Sunday, June 12, 2005

Dafydd Speaks!

Well, that’s the Conservative Party saved then. Alan Duncan is standing for the leadership. His campaign theme is a return to the timeless principles of Conservatism.

Just kidding.

It’s déjà vu all over again, or to put it another way:

Shadow transport secretary Alan Duncan has confirmed he wants to stand for the leadership of the Conservative party.
The Conservatives' first openly gay MP said the party had "alienated a whole generation" and risked "being stuffed" at the next election.
Well, alright. At least the Beeb took until the second sentence to mention it, but then again, what else is there ? If Alan Duncan was straight, he wouldn’t exist. For proof of that, consider the bizarre reasons he cites for standing:

Asked if he wanted to be a candidate for the leadership, Mr Duncan, said: "I think I'm one of about eight or nine."
But he said he had "no illusions" about his chances, adding: "I know that my parliamentary support is limited".
Mr Duncan told BBC Radio 4's Today programme: "I know that there are a lot of us on this particular side of the party who haven't distilled around one person but more importantly I want to say things."
Like words, and numbers and stuff, y’know. Some might say that it would be more traditional to actually lay out your philosophy before standing, but it will soon become obvious that in Duncan’s case this is clearly a genetic impossibility:
In a speech on Friday, Mr Duncan warned his party risked "historical oblivion" if it failed to learn to reflect modern Britain.
Like, modern, dude. Baseball caps all round. Hmmm….any wild guesses as to which aspect of ‘modern Britain’ he’s on about. Still, it proves a theory of mine, namely that if you wanted to hear a negative stereotype about a group, just listen to what its advocates are saying. Femiloons claim we can’t prosecute women who kill their kids because, hey, being a mother does the head in, right ? Armani Trev claims black kids who rob other students shouldn’t be expelled because they’re expressing their culture. Meanwhile, Tory modernisers try to convince us that gays are a collection of narcissistic morons, incapable of voting on any issue above the waistline. Hey – call it instinct, but I‘ve got the strangest feeling the average BritQueen is closer to this guy than to Duncan’s exercises in self-obsession.

He argued the party appeared "socially distasteful" and "economically irrelevant".
You speaka da English ? This is just how far down the U-bend British journalism has sunk, that a pol can come out with a phrase as vacuous as ‘economically irrelevant’ with no fear that anyone will stick their hand up and say ‘what the Hell does that mean’ ? Mind you, his other statement is all too self-explanatory - yes, indeed, ‘socially distatsteful’ – poor Al’s feeling left out at the chintzy parties. How will the Conservatives ever win power again without the support of the Islington set ?

That’s about it for Duncan actually. It’s all very well to talk about the benefits of being ‘socially and economically liberal’ but is there any public support for compulsory lessons on anal sex for your seven year old and a £15 bill if you take him to the doctors ? Then again, Al’s electoral arithmetic seems a little off: here’s what he considers a devastating indictment:

It is impossible to exaggerate the extent to which anyone under the age of 35 is more likely to vote against us than for us.
See if you can see the problem with that line of logic. Come to think of it, what are we to make of lines like this:
"Our attitudes over the last 20 years have alienated an entire generation of voters, whose respect and affection Labour have ruthlessly harnessed for themselves,"
Labour is held in respect and affection ? But, loopy grasp of politics aside, the most striking thing about Duncan’s speech is the sheer chutzpah:

Mr Duncan said the Tories would only regain power if they came to terms with a "crisis of identity and reputation" that had gripped them for a decade.
Now, why’d that be ? Could it be the actions of people like Duncan, not least their constantly proclaiming how awful the average Conservative Party members are ? Consider that this is a man who can’t even stand for the Party leadership without speaking at great length about how terrible it is. The only crisis affecting the Conservative Party is the one brought about by Duncan and his fellow travellers. For once Duncan is telling the truth when he claims that he’s only standing to ‘say things’. That is the very essence of the soi-dissant modernisers contribution – not doing anything, contributing anything, just whining and carping. Sooner or later, the Conservative Party will have to grasp the nettle – these people have proven themselves to be the Militant Tendency of the Conservative Party. They are essentially parasites and the sooner the Party gives them the old heave ho the better.

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