I’ve had changed my mind about the whole live8 boondoggle: I’m convinced, let’s give them what they want. The L3 have always argued that Britain has a responsibility to the hell holes of the world because of a litany of sins including, but not limited to, AIDS, slavery, colonialism and the Cold War. OK, you win Libs: we’ll stump up the cash.
Obviously, precise figures may vary, but I reckon £250 billion should see us straight. Now, that’s a lot of cash, but it’s not like we aren’t massively in hock anyway. At least this time it’ll be an investment. Yes, indeed – after all, once we’ve paid our debt to global society, why, we should be free to get on with our lives. It’s only fair. Or to put it another way, there’s going to be some changes round here.
Overseas aid will go, obviously, plus there’ll be no more asylum seekers. Illegal immigrants caught before lunch will be on the plane at tea time. All those ‘Somali Community Centres’ and the like will go together with the Commission for Racial Equality (after all, the Race Relations Act won’t be around to need enforcing). Our elephantine charidee sector will have to pay for their stupid campaigns sans taxbreaks. Needless to say, hundreds of thousands of race awareness officers and the like will be exploring our nation’s many excellent job centres and their fine range of monolingual literature. After all, if you want anything from the British taxpayer, you can damn well learn to speaka da language. On your own dime. Meanwhile, our schools will be encouraged to cover the whole range of cultures: English, Scottish, Ulster and Welsh.
Come to think of it, £250 bn sounds cheap.