Tuesday, May 04, 2010

The A-Z Of Cameron

All things considered, I don't think of Cameron as either the heir to Blair or a British Obama. Amusing though it is to ridicule this horrible twosome for their messianic pretensions, the flip side of that is that at least both had halfway coherent visions of what they wanted to achieve.

On the other hand, in so far as the defining feature of Cameronism is the absurd mismatch  of ludicrously overblown efforts in pursuit of ridiculously trivial ends, he resembles nothing so much as our very own Slick Willy.

All of which is by way of saying that after being reminded of Mark Steyn's brilliant A-Z of the Clinton Years, I thought I'd try my very own version for Cam Jong Il himself.

A is for A-List: Being the list of approved candidates Cameron tried to foist on local parties almost as soon as he took office. Yes, indeed: never forget that almost the first thing principled advocate of localism Dave did was start working on ways to stuff the backbenches with Cameron's Cronies.

B is for Bike: As in the thing Eco Dave rides to the office... closely followed by a chauffer-driven Lexus. Apparently, it's carrying his papers, which explains why he needs a Lexus rather than, say, a Ford Fiesta. Doubtless, there will be some government grants going soon for people to investigate ways to transmit paperwork electronically. Or rucksacks.

C is for Catchment Area: All these bonkers ideas about parents setting up their own schools can't hide the fact that under Cameron catchment areas are here to stay. Unless you're a certain public figure, who sent his daughter to a exclusive, all white, primary school, avoiding 15 closer ones. Hmmm...say, I thought this guy liked...

D is for Diversity: Yes, indeed. Under Dave the Conservative Party is the United Colours of Yuppie Scum. A party that looks like Britain, except for all those bits outside the M25. Actually, what it's most like is a BBC show: it's full of bright, young things covering the whole spectrum of ethnicities and sexual orientations and you never see any actual conservatives. And, of course, what could be more diverse than...

E is for Eton: Apparently, in the Britain Cameron thinks the Tory Party should look like, about 25% of the population have gone to Eton. Proof positive that he does indeed live in a world of his own.

F is for Fat Licences: Remember these?

G is for Gayers: And if you disagree, you, Sir, have no place on the modern Internet!

H is for Huskies: In retrospect, The Dave flying to the Arctic to warn of the dangers of letting proles holiday abroad was probably the first clue...

I is for Islam: It's the Religion of Peace, except for the tiny minority of extremists. On the other hand, people who say Indian Jihadists are 'freedom fighters' and welcome the election of Hamas are perfectly reasonable and, indeed, deserving of a peerage and a position as Shadow Minister for Community Cohesion.

J Is for Jogging: Yes, indeed: he can't even exercise honestly.

K is for Kilo: ...Actually, not really sure where this fits in... Except here's a guy who keeps jibber-jabbering about the dangers of hayte speech, but doesn't see any downside at all in a  rich and successful public figure indulging in nodding and winking non-denials about his relationship with hard drugs.

L is for Land Rover: As in the British Army's main mode of transport in Afghanistan long after it became obvious they were utterly worthless against IEDs. Meanwhile, the Leader of Her Majesty's Opposition was posing as Don't Call Me At All Dave. British soldiers were getting killed needlessly and a soi dissant conservative leader was refusing to raise that issue in Parliament lest talking about nasty macho stuff like defence ruin his touchy feely image.

M is for Marriage: Which The Dave supports, but that's not to say that he doesn't support other lifestyles too. But marriage is special, and so are other relationships too.

See, what's confusing about that?

N is for Nazi Germany: What England was exactly like in 2006, apparently. It was all the flags flying for the World Cup, see? That pearl of wisdom comes from Cameron Crony Brian Coleman. Who says these guys have issues with patriotism?

O is for Oxbridge: Just like Eton, these guys also get a waiver on the whole 'Party that looks like Britain' thing.

P is for Prejean, Carrie: The woman shadow cabinet member Alan Duncan jovially suggested should be murdered for opposing gay marriage. Which is a perfectly normal thing for a senior politician to suggest. Keep watching out for those right-wing extremists!

Q is for Queen: Friend of Dave Liz Truss wanted to throw her out of a job in favour of a republic, until approximately six seconds before she was parachuted into a safe seat. But don't go questioning her conservative credentials, you bigot!

R is for Rapist: Just so you know, while The Dave was excommunicating large swathes of the conservative base as just too crazy, he had no objection to palling around with a racist nutcase with convictions for gang rape.

S is for Selection: Bad if its based on educational achievement, good if it's based on... singing?

T is for Taxes: Is there a better example of Cameron's train wreck understanding of conservatism than his policy that he'll reduce the burden on British businesses just as soon as the economy has recovered?

U is for UKIP: Fruitcakes, loonies and closet racists, apparently, but they should still vote for The Dave because otherwise someone who doesn't like them might get in.

V is for Virology: The study of viruses, which so far has failed to uncover any evidence in support of Cameron Crony Francis Maude's bizarre suggestion that Mrs Thatcher was responsible for the spread of AIDS (which is in no way a hateful thing to say...).

W is for Wisteria: £30 million in the bank and he's hitting up the taxpayer to maintain his house? Classy!

X is for Xenophobia: The other charge always thrown at UKIP by The Dave and pals, despite the fact that UKIP aren't led by a man who was a member of the Bullingdon Club, a society that's overtly  and indeed proudly, Judenfrei.

Y is for Yeo: As in Tim Yeo, the Shadow Cabinet minister who called for more taxes to discourage people  from flying, even while moonlighting as a globe-trotting golf course reviewer for a national newspaper.

Z is for Zac: Zac Goldsmith. Friend of Dave and another worthless multi-millionaire legatee and eco-pest, who called for more taxes to prevent people flying, even while commuting in from tax exile in Switzerland.

6 comments:

JuliaM said...

/applause

Peter said...

Well done!

James Higham said...

Excellent post, Ross.

Anonymous said...

Nice one DJ!

James, where does Ross fit into this?

Lurker (google won't let me login)

Ross said...

I'm guessing James followed the link from my site and meant to comment there.

North Northwester said...

As you can probably tell, I love this particular post with a love as big as the sky.
However I am worried that unworthy third parties might regard my upcoming series of short [because I anticipate being exhausted from leafleting for A Certain Personage in the current election since just after Easter] but perfectly formed posts entitled 'A Liberal to English Phrase-book' is some way derivative of this fine lexicon of Tory crocodile feeding.

Okay, the very phrase 'Liberal to English' is one of DJ's very own, I'll admit, but gentles, all the jokes will be mine.

Have a happy and fruitful penultimate day of the campaign my friends, and remember: we have nothing to lose but our brains, our ancient liberties, our sense of national pride, our incomes, our jobs and our hopes for our children's' futures.

Oh, and that whole breathing thing if containment of a nuclear Iran doesn't turn out too peachy.

Liberal Democrats, anyone?