At Last, The Rich And Absurdly Privileged Have A Voice In Modern Britain

Cameron’s propagandists (also known as the MSM) have always implied that behind the vacuous drivel lurks the brains of a master strategist. A-huh. Well, now he’s been elected he’s free to put his brilliant ideas into practice, so what are they ?

I said when I launched my campaign that we needed to change in order to win. Now that I’ve won we will change.

Cue Saddam!

We will change the way we look.

That’s it right there: the essence of Cameronism. They’ll change the way they look. We’ll have the United Colours of Metropolitan Yuppie Scum.

Nine out of ten Conservative MPs, like me, are white men.

Well, Dave, you know what the answer to that is: lead the way and fall on your sword. Otherwise, it looks, at best, as though the Conservatives are telling the next Sir Winston to shove it so they can arrange a safe seat for some guy with the right combination of melanin and, at worst, as just another excuse for the Notting Hill set to discriminate against any guy who isn’t the aforementioned Metropolitan Yuppie Scum low-life.

We need to change the scandalous under-representation of women in the Conservative Party and we’ll do that

Yep – Nu Lab has the Blair Babes while the Conservatives have to stumble along with freaks like Margaret Thatcher. Clearly, the Conservatives could learn a lot about recruitment from Nu Lab.

I mean, that’s the free clue right there. That’s what’s wrong with tokenism. Lady Thatcher came to power in an collapsing nation and presided over a renaissance of British life, meanwhile the Blair Babes are busy talking about breastfeeding.

Anyway, tokenism is lousy politics. Look at this – or rather don’t since I can summarise it in one sentence: ‘David Cameron is obviously a Nazi because he has failed to abase himself before our worthless, race-hustling selves’. I don’t expect a lot from Tory MPs, but a basic familiarity with the concept of Danegeld surely isn’t a lot to ask ?

More than everything else though, the whole identity politics scam is inimical to the whole essence of Conservatism. Conservatives believe in the individual, but the toxic ideology of identity politics tries to dragoon people in political blocks based solely on the crudest of measures. Think of Johann Hari’s eyescratchy attack on Matt Lucus for not being a real gay. Is that something Conservatism should encourage ? Thatcher wasn’t a great female PM and Condi won’t be a superb black POTUS but the race-hustlers will always be bitter losers.

So that’s Cameron’s flagship policy right there. What else does he offer ?

We need to change the way we feel. No more grumbling about modern Britain. I love this country as it is not as it was and I believe our best days lie ahead.

Particularly the day when this maroon gets replaced by a real Conservative.

We need to change the way we think. It’s not enough just to talk about tackling problems in our inner cities - we have to have all of the right ideas for turning those communities around.

No, no, no. We need the wrong ideas, and lots of them. Free radishes for all! Say ‘No!’ to Summer! Aromatherapy for the dead!

And we need to change, and we will change, the way we behave. I’m fed up with the Punch and Judy politics of Westminster, the name-calling, backbiting, point-scoring, finger-pointing.

But enough about his campaign team.

I want and I will lead a Conservative Party that when the Government does the right thing, we will work with them, and when they do the wrong thing we will call them to account and criticise them. We won’t play politics with the long-term future of this country, we will work to get it right.

90 days, Einstein.

And I want us to change because this country faces huge challenges. They are not challenges you can put in individual boxes, they’re complex, they’re interconnected, to deal with them takes hard work, complex research, deep thinking and I want us to get it right. I don’t want us to invent policies for newspaper headlines, I want us to get it right for the long term.

OK, he’d make a lousy PM, but at least that’s better than some jobs he could be doing. Can you imagine him in the Fire Brigade ? “Thank God you’re here! A massive pile-up has trapped a bunch of kids inside a school bus and the flames have almost reached that wrecked petrol tanker.”, “Well, OK, it’s obviously a highly complex multivariable problem demanding a cross-functionary ad hoc working group to be set up to consider how best we can move forward with our available assets in order to achieve viable win-win scenarios across the whole range of stakeholder-related

BOOM!

But maybe that’s unfair. He doesn’t want to be a fire officer, he only wants to be PM, so it’s not like there are the same demands in that job, right ?

I’m not seeing a lot of fear amongst Al-Quaida should this tool get into No 10.

The challenge of economic competitiveness - today there are nearly three quarters of a million eight-year-olds. At the end of what I hope will be the first term of a Conservative Government they will be 18. I want them to have well paid jobs and good careers. And that means a full-bodied economic policy not just a tax policy. It means well-funded universities and saying how we’ll pay for them. It means a transport system that works with new roads and how we’ll pay for them as well.

Tuition fees, road pricing and no cuts in existing taxes. Tell me again, what kind of Conservatism is this ?

The second big challenge is to reform our public services. Today there are 68,000 people training as teachers, doctors and nurses. I want them working in public services that are well funded but over which they have the freedom to control and deliver the service the public wants. So we have to meet that challenge and end the opt out culture of helping a few more people to escape public services.

You have to love the chutzpah of Eton Boy sneering at ‘opt out’ culture. If he’d ever met an NUT member he’d at least appreciate that they are the problem. We’ll need some degree of centralised (or, as we Earth people say, ‘democratic’) control just as long as there are teachers who want to call failure ‘deferred success’ – no matter how much that particular concept might appeal to Cameron.

We need to improve public services for everybody in this country. The next great challenge is the quality of life. I want my children, your children, to grow up in a country where the streets are safe, the public space isn’t filthy, where it isn’t a hassle to get around, you can own your own home and where climate change and the environment aren’t an afterthought. That means setting targets for reducing carbon but it also means taking tough decisions to make sure we meet them. I tried to make a start this morning by biking to work. That was a carbon-neutral journey until the BBC sent a helicopter following me

Well, OK, credit for slapping the BBC, but WTF ? He just got through talking about the importance of the economy, now he’s drinking down the Kyoto Kool Aid ? The Clue Fairy just stopped by to remind us that Kyoto is such a socialistic abomination that even Princess Tony is backing away from it.

The fifth big challenge is national and international security. In 10 years’ time, there will be 13 and a half million British citizens over the age of 65. I want to pledge to them that their safety, their dignity in old age will be our priority. That means re-civilising our society, with school discipline, with strong families, and with cultural change. It means, yes, having a tough law and order policy, but it also means reforming the police, and ending the nonsense where it’s so impossible to sack an officer who isn’t doing their job properly

Yes – that’s exactly what the problem is in policing. It’s the worker bees that are at fault. We need to give more power to the perfumed princes in management. Hey – wasn’t this the guy who wanted to set public servants free two paragraphs ago ? Now he’ll allow the MBA totting culture warriors to purge their ranks of awkward coppers (i.e. anyone experienced enough to know management are FOS) and produce a police service staffed with bureaucratic zombies. That’ll help.

And we need to look at the problems of international terrorism, and I can promise that I will never play politics with that issue, I will do what is right for the country.

And we still haven’t forgotten: 90 days.

The sixth and the final challenge is at the heart of all the others, it is having social action to ensure social justice, and a stronger society. I want to set free the voluntary sector and social enterprises to deal with the linked problems that blight so many of our communities, of drug abuse, family breakdown, poor public space, chaotic home environments, high crime. We can deal with these issues, we can mend our broken society. I want to develop my idea for a national school leaver programme, that says to young people, let’s do something, that is about public service, about building self esteem, self respect, for the good of our country and the good of our communities.

So that’s his plan to win the culture war ? Off load our social problems onto the voluntary sector and try to mau-mau the kids into working as willing slaves in some ‘communidee’ BS programs ?

There is such a thing as society, it’s just not the same thing as the state. I don’t believe that Labour can meet these challenges, they are yesterday’s men, with yesterday’s measures. I want us to sweep away their command and control state, the quangos, the bureaucracy, the regional government, which is not bringing real change in our country.

We’re back to New Improved Conservatism. Why not legalise cannibalism ? That’d be new; no one’s ever done that before.

I want us to be the party that meet those big challenges, but we have to change in order for people to trust us. We have the right values, Britain needs a strong Conservative Party with those values. At the heart of what I believe are two simple principles, trusting people, and sharing responsibility. I believe that if you trust people and give them more power and control over their lives, they become stronger, and society becomes stronger too, and I believe profoundly that we are all in this together.

Again, I ask: what manner of train wreck is this guy’s vision of Conservatism ? Governments don’t give freedom to anybody. It’s not theirs to give. Citizens may temporarily transfer their sovereignty to government for the purposes of building roads or killing terrorists, but Cameron isn’t offering to do us some kind of favour here. In fact, given the previous paragraph, it look like Cameron’s vision of freedom is just an excuse to slash away at the social safety net while still maintaining Big Government’s control over everything else.

We all have a responsibility, as individuals, as parents, as families, as businesses, as Government, as Members of Parliament, we all have a role to play. And it is by bringing those values to play that we can do good for our country again.

Not forgetting our responsibilities as children, siblings, team members, parishioners, spectators, stalkers and unindicted co-conspirators.

I won’t do it on my own, I need the support of every Conservative Member of Parliament, of every Conservative local councillor, now the biggest party in local government, of all of our voluntary party, and I want it to be so much bigger.

And bizarrely he’ll get that support, despite his constant currying of favour with the media by propagating every negative possible about Conservative Party members. Are Conservative Party members the battered wives of politics or what ?

People in this country are crying out for a Conservative Party that is decent, reasonable, sensible, commonsense, and in it for the long term of this country. And that is the party we are going to build, and I want everyone to join in.

No – we want a Party that's indecent, unreasonable, insane and heedless of consequences, a 21st birthday party sort of party . At least that’d be more fun than listening to this garbage.

To those watching at home, if you have a passion for positive politics, come and join us. If you want to build a modern, compassionate Conservative Party, come and join us. If you want me and all of us to be a voice for hope, for optimism and for change, come and join us. In this modern, compassionate Conservative Party, everyone is invited. Thank you.

That’s it. That’s the big finish. Translation: “And don’t worry if you think Conservatism is a load of rubbish – we feel the same! That’s why I give speeches with less ideological content than a Persil ad.”

Now, actually that’s unfair. At least, Persil does clean clothes – you don’t see Lever Bros talking about how they’d like to move towards achieving a long-term clean clothes situation. Of course, David Cameron probably hates Persil – too easily confused with other white powders.